Beauty Dish: Underground Adventures of an (EX!) Avon Lady

Cleanse Your Sole

Birdie's Review of the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches and musings on other Avon products offered under the guise of "Wellness"

I thought the brand-new Avon Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM was strange, but it's got nothin' on the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches!

Avon divides its brochures and website into easy-to-figure-out categories. Skincare. Haircare. Fragrances. Bath and Body. Men's Products. Makeup. Fashion and Gifts. Outdoor Protection. The section that - to me - is the most exotic and elusive is Avon "Wellness." Need a compact mirror pill case? Find it in Avon Wellness. Need a light-up tray for your eyeglasses? Avon Wellness. Need a pair of "moisture control" pants? Avon Well... well, you get the picture. All the stuff you have no idea you need, heck, you have no idea even exists - Avon Wellness can set you up!

There is a curious lack of literature on the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches. A pair of crossed feet - each with a blinding white detox patch slapped across the arch - waves hello from the pages of the Avon brochure. "Detoxify while you sleep." I wasn't sure what that meant, but I ordered them anyway, figuring I could use them some dateless Saturday night (okay, all my Saturdays are dateless...) after my boys hunker down with a good book in bed.

I thought about ordering the Avon Pocket Dentist, too, an electric blue Swiss army knife-looking utensil with retractible picks and blades. The ad copy states that the "compact dental kit comes with 6 different tools that clean and help protect teeth when you're out and about." I could scrape plaque from my teeth while I detox! Alas, money is tight and a used demonstration dental pick is probably the last item I would ever sell, so I passed. I also passed on the Avon "Moisture Control Pants," even though I work up a good sweat on those weekly rounds.

Yes, this is the Avon Pocket Dentist... no April Fools!

The day the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches arrived both my boys were home from school for the third day with the hacking, green-runny-snotty, fever flu. I considered slapping the detox patches on their sweaty feet. I hovered near the couch, both boys huddled in three woven wool blankets each, their eyes crusted shut with virus boogers. I felt my youngest son's forehead. His arms rustled. He felt slightly cooler, perhaps 101 degrees instead of 103. The family pot-bellied pig grunted, his legs extended as if in rigor mortis, ample back against the heating vent.

My tummy gurgled, and I realized the prior twenty-four hours of nursemaid duty had taken a toll in the form of overindulgence. Sigh. An entire box of Cheese Nips, a pint of beer, a package of "oriental flavor" ramen noodles, all things salty, crisp and oh-so-alcoholic. I scooted next to the boys, grabbed an end of the blankets and covered my lap. I slipped off my fuzzy pink slippers (Avon) and peeled the backing off two of the detox patches. They looked like big tightly woven cotton bandages, the large rectangular kind school boys wear on their shins and elbows during soccer season.

The brochure told me the thick pad in the center contained exotic detoxifiers such as wood vinegar and green tea, and that these foot pads would extract body toxins, by stimulating acupressure points on the soles of the feet. A closer inspection of the ingredients list revealed the addition of tourmaline and camellia sinensis leaf extract. I slapped 'em on and closed my eyes, expecting to feel like a veritable forest of purity and gemstone light.

The instructions say to leave the patches on overnight, but no fewer than eight times my boys woke me for water, for juice, for popsicles. By morning the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches were soiled, wrinkled, and ragged. Ugh. I peeled them off and inspected them for leached toxins. I couldn't see any. I carried them between thumb and finger as if they were diseased, and dumped them in the trash. My feet felt funny - almost numb - from the experience.

The dead of viral night when one is gopher, nursemaid, and exhausted, full of Cheese treats and booze is probably not the best time to test the curative powers of the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches, but to tell the Goddess Honest Truth, I actually felt a wee bit energized and slightly less bloated in the morning! The only thing that didn't feel so wonderful was... my teeth, which were gummy and coated with a thick film of saliva. Shoulda ordered the Avon Pocket Dentist...

Birdie's Formal Review of the upcoming Avon Tiara Boom-De-AyTM

As a prominent Avon blogger, each quarter Avon sends me an advanced sample of a new product. Regular reps get the same advanced sample one month later. Honestly, most of the time these advanced samples aren't that interesting, and I rarely write about them, but every now and then, something comes along that I just can't help but talk about. This is such a product.

This past Friday, the mailman handed me a large cardboard box. I braced myself, expecting it to be heavy, but it weighed next to nothing. Most Avon advanced samples are small - tiny unlabled jars of reformulated face creams, sticks of mascara that fit in a business envelope. I raised one eyebrow and tore open the package.

In the box was a clear plastic wrap printed with red, white and blue fireworks, with a zipper opening, so you can return the product after use. A white label with big black print adorned one side. Avon Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM. I carefully pulled out the item, trying not to let the packing peanuts drop to the floor. It appeared to be made mostly of foam rubber with a copper-colored patina, and was slightly deformed from shipping but nothing that wouldn't correct itself once released from the package.

Avon holiday gifts are a staple of any Avon Lady's business, and a must-have for many customers who use and even collect them. The biggest holiday season occurs in the deep winter, of course, when Avon sells Christmas lights, delicate menoras, and even the occasional Kwanza item. This product will definitely become a collectible - I know I'm keeping it. Heck, it might even make Fourth of July a new Avon blockbuster!

The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM is a foam rubber replica of the crown worn by Lady Liberty, with the following features:

Around the inside rim are tri-colored battery-operated brightly glowing panels of red, white, and blue. But the real surprise - according to the accompanying descriptive sales literature - is the "brilliant-bright sound-activated high-intensity light-emitting faux pearls" found at the tip of each point. The instructions state that these are "sound activated only by the sound of fireworks and other explosive devices" and "are stylized to match any Party Wear, whether you are celebrating at the beach or at the Country Club."

Wow! It's only the end of March, how do I test the product? I searched the junk drawer in the kitchen, knowing that I had a small pack of firecrackers and sparklers from last July but my two young boys, 10 and 12, must have snuck them out of the house. Not to be deterred, I enlisted their help to see if some other loud noises could activate the "brilliant-bright sound-activated high-intensity light-emitting faux pearls." I placed the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM on my head. It slips on easily, and seems to clasp the head with reinforcing springs inside the foam.

The instructions say that a built-in pressure switch will automatically power on the lights once placed on the head. Sure enough, the tri-color glowing panels came to life immediately just when I could feel the pressure switch pressing against my forehead. To tell the truth, it's kind of an odd feeling, so I would suggest that prior to product roll-out, Avon might consider a manually operated switch in the back that doesn't apply pressure to the head, leaving a little red dot on the skin.

My boys were ready. They clapped their hands - I joined them - but the faux pearls did not budge. They smashed some pans together, making a huge clanging noise - at least as loud as the Liberty Bell - but the pearls refused to flash. They blew up balloons and jumped on them together. By now our dog was adding her bark to the fray. Our pot-bellied pig simply laid on the kitchen floor, snout between hooves, watching the strange March Fourth of July activities.

We tried blowing the car horn, slamming doors, blowing up paper bags and popping them, screaming, a Native American drum, rocks against the sidewalk, and my older son's air gun - which he inadvertantly aimed at me and blew the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head, but the faux pearls refused to participate. 10 looked at me as I reattached the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM to my head.

"Hey, mom! Why don't we ask the cowboys to shoot their guns?"

Brilliant.

I walked across the street and knocked on my neighbors' door. Emilio answered, a bottle of Corona in his hand. He looked at the Boom-De-Ay^TM first, even though I was wearing a low-cut halter top.

"Ma'am?"

Emilio couldn't tear his eyes from the pearls.

"Hey, Emilio, I need some help."

"Is that thing stuck to your head?"

Emilio placed his bottle on the cement stoop and readied his arms to yank the Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head.

"No! No, it's just fine. It's the new Avon Boom-De-Ay^TM for Fourth of July. You know."

"Birdie, are you sure? I think maybe this is for Halloween?"

"Well, no, Emilio, it has this special feature where the pearls light up at the sound of fireworks."

I explained my troubles to Emilio - told him about our fruitless tin can band. He picked up his bottle, tipped his head, and emptied the remaining beer into his mouth.

"Birdie, let's get in the truck."

We drove the half-hour to Mora, my boys and I stuffed into the extended cab with Emilio. The boys tried to tie each other up with one of my friend's lassos as I read the sales literature out loud.

"Warning. Do Not Attempt to Drive With Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM Activated. Produces VERY BRIGHT flashes of light that could be distracting to other drivers."

"Geeze, Emilio, I really hope we can get this thing going - it sounds so cool!"

By now, the sun had set. The truck made its way past the State Park. The waning moon bounced off Storree Lake. I wondered what the Boom-De-Ay^TM would look like at the edge of the water, it's faux pearls casting rays past the dock. We arrived at Emilio's family ranch and everyone stepped into the near-freezing March night.

Emilio's brother brought out several hunting rifles and a shotgun, along with a six pack of Negro Modela. The men twisted the tops and readied their firearms.

"Boys! Stay in the truck! This is dangerous!"

Emilio looked at me - well, looked at the Boom-De-Ay^TM - and rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry. They won't get hurt. We know what to do."

The ranch women stood on the wrap around porch. Emilio's grandmother wore her long hair in braids wound around her head. She smoked a cigar. The men faced north, towards a big stack of hay.

BANG! BOOM! CRACK!

The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM lit up on cue, like a carnival ride! The boys jumped out of the truck and danced! The tri-color panels went from a simple glow to a disco syncopated dancing display! The pearls, man, the pearls. When Avon says bright.... these were absolutely blinding and lit up the entire Mora Valley. I could clearly see cigar smoke exiting Gramma Emilio's nostrils eighty feet away. The pearls didn't merely flash. They pulsed! Like flash bulbs, followed by a pause while they seemed to be repowering up! And then another overwhelming pulse of light! Everyone was really quite startled by it. Rumsfeld's "Shock and Awe's" got nothin' on Avon! Everyone agreed it was quite amazing.

Once the noises stopped and the pearls died down, I took the Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head and placed it in its zippered compartment, and waved goodbye to Gramma Emilio. We piled back in the truck. My boys fell asleep immediately, tangled in cowboy rope. I thought about how many Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM I would sell this coming summer, especially since Avon indicates in the literature that they are bundling it with the Anew Clinical Lift and Tuck: Liberate Your Look with Lift and Tuck this Fourth of July!

Emilio reached over and flicked on the radio. Salsa music filled the cab. He twisted a knob and increased the base to an ear-melting level. The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM pearls lit back up apparently not caring whether the pressure switch was activated! We drove the half-hour home to our little New Mexican town, the Boom-De-Ay^TM making the truck a roving Latin Disco.

Mini Review: Avon Truffle Delights Lip Gloss

The good folks at Avon HQ think up strange flavored pretty little things each year in the few weeks leading up to Valentine's Day. This year is no exception, and the current brochures are bombarded with the tried, true, and tacky - sheer babydoll lingerie, vibrating massage slippers, heart necklaces encrusted in faux stones.

One Valentine's Day special I tried is the Avon Truffle Delights Lip Gloss. It arrives in a small beige and silver squeeze tube in, as Avon says, "six tantalizing shades, sealed with a black raspberry kiss." I chose the Hazelnut Nude for my kisser. You can smell the gloss the moment the goo hits the air, it's pungent stuff. I squeezed the tube and slide the applicator end along my bottom lip first, paused to flick my lip against it, then covered my top lip. Rub, rub, smack, smack! I puckered my lips and admired them in the mirror. My lips looked a little slimy, to tell the truth, so I wiped them with a tissue to remove some of the goop. Better. You may want to level a light hand when using this product. I'm not sure I would call the taste raspberry OR hazelnut, but it's plenty sweet and fruity for those who like candy lips.

Notes on a few new Avon products - from Birdie

I'm typing this from the warm recesses of my bed. I'm down with the creeping vertigo flu, my head a swimming pool filled with rotating sludge. Not a good place to be. Nonetheless, I can wax philosophic on a few new Avon products.

Before I start, I want to mention what could be the dumbest thing I ever, ever did as an Avon Lady - and that's saying something! Last week, while my two boys still remained home on winter break, I grabbed my last hundred brochures and some quality samples (Anew Clinical Eye Lift, ThermaFirm, the good stuff...) and the three of us tramped through two feet of snow, dropping brochures in a couple of new neighborhoods. The New Mexican sun lifted the temperature to ten degrees above freezing and left a hidden layer of thawing ice beneath the snow. We each fell at least twice, but three hours later, the books were delivered.

How could that be a dumb mistake? I forgot to stamp my name and contact info on the damn books. Arrrrgggghhhhh! Once I'm feeling better, I'll print out a hundred Mea Culpa letters and drop them at the same locations as those brochures, explaining that I am the Lone Ranger of Avon, and please forgive my black mask.

One of my customers bought the new Healthy Remedies Green Tea Extract which Avon promises to "boost your metabolism" for the low, low price of $14.99. According to the sales lit, two dropperfuls of the stuff gives you the benefit of 3 cups of green tea. My customer told me she wants to lose fifty pounds, and she's praying this will help. I'll let you know how she likes it. I don't plan on trying this product myself, I'm sensitive to too much caffeine.

I have been getting good feedback on the new Avon Solutions Banishing Cream Skin Tone Perfector, which now comes in a day formula (with SPF 15) and a nighttime cream. Customers have been telling me that both products are better than the original Banishing Cream, which I reviewed here.

I've been testing the new Avon ANEW ALTERNATIVE Intensive Eye Cream. This product is not yet available to purchase, but let me give you a little hint - you WILL want to try this product! I'm loving it so far! My brutally honest product review will be posted soon.

My male customers Get Driven...

A review of sorts of Avon's Derek Jeter Driven fragrance

"You wanna smell like a Yankee?"

I asked one of my male customers this question last week. He worked as we talked, roughly measured a slab of pine, marked it with a flat construction pencil. His soft brown eyes wrinkled as he considered his answer. He turned away from me as he grabbed his circular saw with a leather-gloved hand.

"Birdie, why the hell would I want to smell like a Yankee?"

I leaned against his warped fence, my backpack at my feet.

"'Cause, Guero, you simply can't afford not to. Avon has a new man perfume. It's called Driven, and it's Derek Jeter's signature scent. It smells like grapefruit and black pepper. Here. Let me spritz you!"

I whipped the aqua-filled glass bottle from my side pocket like a six-shooter, aimed, hit my friend square between the shoulder blades. I breathed deep, let my eyes close in fake rapture.

"Mmmmmmmmmm, Guero! You smell great! The girls are gonna love it!"

Guero laughed. He bent close to his work, let the saw rip a rounded path. I left him with two Driven samples, left him mixing work and sweat and Avon in the afternoon sun.

This afternoon I called Guero, asked him if he wanted to add anything to his order for a tube of Moisture Therapy hand cream.

"Birdie, I guess I do want to smell like a Damn Yankee. Get me some of that Driven."

I asked him if anyone noticed, if anyone sniffed his air, gave him the one-eyed wink.

"Birdie, I ain't gonna answer that."

Guero laughed.

Drive-By Avon Reviews

I've been slamming Avon the past seven days, hauling a heavy backpack of brochures down the windy alleys of my small New Mexican town, trying to make enough bucks to allow a little vacation. I used all my good brochure tricks - all the ones I mentioned over the past couple of weeks, all those old and true ones I mentioned over the past two years, plus one new heavy duty idea I hatched in the wee hours this morning. I'll blog about that sometime soon, after I see what kind of result it brings.

A few of my customers asked me about several specific products today, and I realized I never posted my two cents here. I also met a Mexican woman who practices some kind of voodoo religion, but more on that later...

So, without further ado, two (but really five) short 'n sweet reviews:

Review of Avon Ageless Results Overnight Renewing Cream

Hot damn! I love, love, love times a million this product! This is my new catch-all night cream. I use it every night since it hit the Avon scene, and it leaves my skin looking better, firmer, softer, clearer, than it does with ANY of the other Avon night creams and specialty creams. It smells nice, it smooths gently into my skin and doesn't leave a tight or greasy feel. It's only $14.50, too, much less than half the price of the Anew Clinial creams. The best part? It doesn't give me whopper zits!

The advertising for this product sits next to three smiling sexy dermatologists in the Avon brochure, and proudly proclaims that "100% of women showed improvements in signs of aging... shouldn't you?" Add me to the proud 100%. All of my customers love this line of products, too.

I also love the Avon Ageless Results Renewing Day Cream, which is the companion product and contains 15 SPF. The Avon Ageless Renewing Eye Cream is also lovely, and leaves my eyes feeling pampered and young.

Review of the new Bohista Fragrance and Bohista Body Lotion

The Avon Mark line is marketed toward fashion forward teens and young adults, but many old (uh, like me) Avon Ladies purchase these items, too. The colors and scents are slightly more young, more hip than the standard Avon line. The clothes run a bit small, be forewarned...

Mark just came out with it's fall fragrance - Bohista. The fragrance itself comes in a small plastic bottle the size and shape of a kiwi fruit with a jaunty orange cap. Under the cap is a sleek, sculpted brown plastic ring you can wear. The scent is a mixture of ginger lily, orchid, musk and chocolate. Youth loves sweet, loves to smell like baked goods, likes to be lickable, tasty. I dare say we 40-somethings like to be lickable too.

The "free" ring is cute, but a bit thick. It leaves the neighboring fingers sore and grouchy at the end of the day. I gave it to my son, 9, to use as a crown for one of his Star Trek action figures.

I like this scent, although like all other chemical-based perfumes it gives me a wee bit of a headache after a few hours. The lotion glides on with a lighter version of the odor, leaves my skin soft and supple. But again, a few hours later I want to hop in the shower with a gritty loofah and some peppermint soap. Ugh. I hope Avon comes out with a natural fragrance some day.

Please, Avon, please.

Mini Review of the new Avon superFULL mascara

The new Avon superFULL mascara is advertised as providing up to "5x fuller" lashes without clumping. Hasn't every mascara ad throughout time and known space promised something similar? The key to this "new" variation of fullness and anti-clumpness is a "flexible molded plastic brush" that "works with the anti-static forumla to comb, separate and create lashes that are up to 5X fuller."

Well! I never had a static electricity eyelash problem myself, but I digress...

I opened a tube (the color black, it does come in brown, navy, and brown/black), and swished the thin wand across my naked lashes. They separated, nice and plump, in a goth peacock array. Nice. I did have some trouble with smearing late in the day, giving my eyes the appearance of a street-walking raccoon.

I give this product three out of four lipsticks.

Once an Avon Lady....

More thoughts on being an unofficial Avon blogger

I'm working on my blog today, taking a day to reflect on Avon and what it has meant to me. I'm not sure, in this moment, what I feel and think about my nearly three years as an Avon Lady. Some days are like this. I see the red balance at the end of my spreadsheet, the customers who bounce checks, the homebodies who slam doors against my samples.

Sometimes I wonder if Avon HQ knows how much this blog has contributed to its own culture, how many Avon Reps have told me that Beauty Dish helped them decide to walk that door-to-door path. If I count my saved email, just the ones from bona fide new Avon Ladies who plunked down hard cash to get their kit after reading my adventures, it numbers over 200. And many of them sold like crazy, stamped brochure after brochure, left them here and there, enough places to raise their sample coffers to the level of President's Club, those who drop a cool ten grand and more in Avon's lap. And those are the women who took the time to email, to offer thanks. Customers number over 8000. Just the ones that took the time to email and tell me what they thought after they bought a product due to one of my reviews. It all adds up to incredible revenue for Avon, at my best guess a cool million bucks, and probably five times more, due to a blog from a dirt poor Southwest blogger who can't even pay her telephone bill most months.

Avon remains silent, a marble statue in some forgotten New York museum. The museum doesn't send a travel bus, doesn't send messages to the scarred adobe walls of New Mexico. I work on the fringes, share my experience because it feels right, somehow feels sacred. I never asked for recognition, for reward. I like being a lone beacon, someone who blogs the sorry damn truth about every product - the great ones, the ones that should have never seen the light of day. And my adventures, yeah, my adventures. I use Avon as a springboard, let it leap me into the arms of my fellow human, let it cast me out to sea, carry me home on waves higher, faster than anything you could imagine. I have a lifetime of memory and only two tired hands to relay it.

Two things keep me blogging. Those gentle emails from Avon Ladies, those emails from customers, the ones that tell me I changed their life, gave them some kind of beauty when they most needed it. And the fact that I can't stop writing, can't stop sharing my life, my deepest dark blue current with you. I can't stop.

I sat and thought these things, one, two, three, four, let them wash across my mind like salt kelp waters. And then my phone rang, the way it does when an Avon customer wants to break my concentration.

"Hi! This is Birdie! Can I help you?"

I tried not to sound the way my face looked, sound like a million weary tears.

"Birdie, this is Nellie Romero. I need to know if I can use that new mascara, the Avon Astonishing Lengths, on my terrier. We've got a big show this weekend and she has to look good."

I swallowed my tears, let them digest into laughter, swallowed that, too.

"I'll call Avon and find out for ya, Nellie. Give Ginger a squeeze, okay?"

This afternoon I'm not the world's best Avon Evangelist. I'm not even sure I like Avon today, like the culture of paid beauty. Tomorrow I'll feel different, the way I always do. But I'll help a woman's dog make the full breed finals, and somehow we'll both be the better for it.

Beauty Blogging Wit For Hire

I have kept Beauty Dish free of advertising for its entire two and a half years of existence. But the costs of running the site are starting to escalate! Some of my Avon Adventure stories and Avon Product reviews generate quite a few hits, day after day. I am so grateful for the kind PayPal donations I have received to date, but they aren't covering my blogging and hosting costs on an ongoing basis. And to be completely honest, my Avon career hasn't generated enough income to cover both my home and blogging expenses.

I'm going to pursue some kind of gentle advertising. I want your input! At the moment, I am testing a few things out over here. To be honest, these small get-paid-by-the-click ads do not thrill me, but perhaps I am too close to my creation. Please voice your input, friends.

What I would love, most of all, is to find a company, or a small number of companies - each socially responsible - who would like to sponsor both me as a writer and my continuing Beauty Dish Blog. I would love to write the occasional story about a caring sponsor that would help introduce their important works to the world. I'm not talking shilling for random products, but more of a set of wonderful essays that would be at home in any newspaper, corporate journal, or literary magazine.

If you know of any such potential sponsors, please drop me a note or let them know that Beauty Dish has an elegant and irreverent pen for hire!

Thank you for your continued support and love for Beauty Dish.

Review of Avon Anew Clinical ThermaFirm Face Lifting Cream

This product ranks a lemon due to misleading advertising and a sorry lack of philosophical truth and relevance.
Some weeks ago Avon sent me a tub labeled "Top Secret lab sample." No name, no instructions accompanied the goods, just a simple postcard imprinted with a black and gray zig-zag wave pattern and a few excited words. Firm! Tone! Lift! I did what any Avon Lady does. I untwisted the simple plastic canister and slathered the goop on clean, toned skin twice each day, let it sink into my pores, my fingers crossed behind my back for lifting luck.

One day passed. Then two. I stared in the bathroom mirror, my right cheek almost pressed against the cool glass, my eyes focused on the footprints of time. Crow's feet. Laugh lines. Old lady wrinkles. The indentations I earned, I grew each time I smiled, I watched my young boys cartwheel across the yard. They didn't look different, didn't seem elevated, tight, subdued.

A frustrated customer's review of the Avon.com website

I have a loyal customer who purchases products from me on a regular basis. Here is an email she sent me this morning, quoted verbatim. I must add that I hear these same problems from a LOT of customers:

Damn, I hate that place - it's like torture to try and find stuff there.

I'm looking for bath powder again but I don't want the little cans, I want the kind with powder puffs. So, one part of the site says there are 30 powder products to choose from. Do you think it will show me more than eight (all cans)? Or tell me where to click to find the rest? No, it will not!

Gah, so frustrating.

All this user wants to be able to do is click/flip from one page of a visual on-line "catalogue" to the next - simple, easy, no hassle.

Grrrrrrr!

Also, there's a model on the "front page" in the blue dress - wearing a necklace I might like/buy if I could see it up close and find a place to order it.

Possible? Not for the past half hour of effort!

You're losing sales as we speak, Birdie, and you can tell them I said so!

I buy a LOT of stuff on-line and this site is by far the most frustrating one I've ever used. The only reason I buy Avon in the first place is because of you. If I did not have such strong Favorite Avon Lady Loyalty, and just wanted some sort of beauty product, I would long since have looked elsewhere.

The thing about on-line shopping is that it's supposed to be easy and save time. Their site is a time-waster. On-line shoppers have a one click option to move on and try a different "store". We don't have to get back in the car and drive to another mall if we don't like what we see. In less than a second we can switch to someplace that is more user-friendly.

If they are trying the tactic of making their website so "sticky" (or whatever the marketing term probably is) that I'll have to stumble across other things while I look for what I actually want, well, at least in this customer's case, it ain't working!

A frustrated customer is not a happy customer. I would never open that site again if it were not for our friendship, and that's the truth!

At the very least they ought to offer a "catalogue" option - one button where a customer could simply click through the current catalogue page by page, see what's on special, what looks interesting, etc.

Part of the problem is that I have no idea whether, say, a particular lotion is classified as "skincare", "problem solver" or "age-defying wonder cure" (or whatever those choices on their sidebar are) And god help me if what I think of as a "lotion" is actually something they consider a "cream".

Feh!

(Fed up, I tell ya!)

Well, it made my hands glow.

A strange review of Avon's Mark Worldly Glow. A product I haven't used...

One of my customers purchased a tiny plastic pot of Avon's new Mark Worldly Glow All Over Face Color. I stuffed it in a white paper delivery bag with the latest brochure, three samples of Anew Clinical Therafirm, and my customary handwritten thank you note where I remind one and all that Avon guarantees their products One. Hundred. Percent.

Lucia met me at her door yesterday morning, salt-and-pepper hair tucked under a red biker's bandana. She handed me exact change in quarters, dimes and pennies, her hands New Mexican brown leather like her face, like her bare legs poking from beneath a pair of powder blue stretch capris that enhanced every tic-tac of cellulite.

Why's she want a face bronzer? I didn't ask the obvious, waved goodbye as she reached into her bag. Good thing I stuffed those Therafirm samples in her bag. I pictured her a week from today, lounging on her bowed front porch in those K-Mart capris, her face a firm bronze Latina canvas.

Ah, but this doesn't end a week later with another Avon American Beauty. It ends tonight, that damn pot 'o bronze on my desk. Lucia couldn't open it. I trotted three blocks west, met her at the door twenty-four hours later. Her wrinkled hands looked slightly red, as if they spent the day, the night in twisted bronzing suspense. She wore a pair of lilac stretch capris, and I wondered if she bought them three for a twenty during a blue-light special.

I smiled, grabbed the pot, and prepared to demonstrate the simple flick of the wrist that would pop the top.

grrrrrrrrrrrr

I grunted. Groaned. Pushed. Pulled. Twisted. Poked.

uuuuugggggghhhhh

My throat rumbled some kind of knuckle pain morse code.

The top didn't budge.

So here I sit, ten hours later, my hands as red and swollen as a ten minute lobster.

The Mark Worldly Glow mocks me.

All Life (and Avon) is a gamble

My Avon delivery contained this "Top Secret lab sample" of the upcoming Avon Anew Clinical Lifting Treatment, along with two literature cards promising the tiny tub's contents will "painlessly tighten, tone and visibly lift your skin to new heights."

That's quite a bit of hope and promise. I'll let you know if my nose ends up between my eyebrows... and if the CIA shows up to confiscate my tub!

Two Mini Avon Reviews

Planet Spa Icelandic Mineral Water Cooling Eye Soothers

These come in a box of five packettes of 2 eye patches each. You open the foil and peel the patches off the plastic liner and stick the patches under your eyes for a soothing, cool treat. I love these! They make me feel pampered and my skin is soft and supple after application. The scent is gentle and smells like an ocean breeze. You look ridiculous with them gracing your eye-bags, though, so this is one beauty treatment I do when I'm alone!

Skin So Soft Satin Glow Daily Body Moisturizer

This body lotion not only softens your skin, but color enhancers bring out a gradual natural-looking healthy glow. I have been using this product on my legs for two weeks and my legs look more tan and even-toned. I am enjoying this product quite a bit! A full review of this will follow at Beauty Dish after one month of use. I do recommend it now, you won't be dissapointed.

Birdie's Avon Reviews Master List

Here is the full list of my Beauty Dish Avon Reviews!

Each of the single products below are rated from one to four "lipsticks," one being fair, four being excellent. A "lemon" means that the product simply stinks!

There are several "group" reviews below. These do not contain a lipstick ranking.

If you are an Avon Representative, these Avon Product Reviews will help you decide which Avon Products are best for your customers. If you are an Avon Customer, please enjoy my brutally honest Avon Product Reviews! You may also enjoy my readers' equally honest Reader Avon Reviews and my crazy real-life Avon Adventures!

New! I now have a category for The Avon Customer Daily Review! Be sure to check those out, too!

	Avon Anew Clinical Advanced Retexturizing Peel
	Avon Advanced Techniques Age Defying Conditioner
	Avon Advanced Techniques Age Defying Shampoo
	Avon Advanced Techniques Straight & Sleek Shine Spray
	Avon Ageless Results Renewing Cream (Day and Night Creams)
	Avon Anew Alternative Age Intensive Treatment
	Avon Anew Alternative Photo-Radiance Treatment
	Avon Anew Clinical 2 Step Facial Peel
	Avon Anew Clinical Deep Crease Concentrate
	Avon Anew Clinical Eye Lift
	Avon Anew Clinical Laser System
	Avon Anew Clinical Lift and Tuck
	Avon Anew Clinical Man So Soft
	Avon Anew Clinical Micro-Exfoliant
	Avon Anew Clinical ThermaFirm
	Avon Anew Clinical Wrinkle and Line Corrector
	Avon Banishing Cream
	Avon Beautifully Bright Teeth Whitener
	Avon beComing Fully Restored
	Avon Beyond Color Line Softening Mousse Foundation
	Avon Beyond Color Lip Plumping Conditioner
	Avon Bust-Sculpt
	Avon Cellu-Sculpt Anti-Cellulite Treatment
	Avon Driven Fragrance by Derek Jeter
	Avon Flip Flop Lipgloss
	Avon Glazewear Lip Gloss
	Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches
	Avon Instant Manicure
	Avon Kissable Lip Frost
	Avon Mark Instant Vacation
	Avon Mark Worldly Glow
	Avon My Lip Miracle
	Avon Naturals Shampoos and Conditioners
	Avon Planet Spa Products
	Avon Re-Fine Stretch Mark Smoother
	Avon Shine Supreme Lip Color
	Six Avon Mascaras
	Avon Skin So Soft Facial Hair Removal Cream Twist Pen
	Avon Skin So Soft Hair Removal Wax Kit
	Avon Skin So Soft Hair Removal Wax Strips
	Avon Slim & Sleek Leg Perfector
	Avon Style Plus Clothes
	Avon Super Shape Anti-Cellulite & Stretch Mark Cream
	Avon superFULL Mascara
	Avon Tiara Boom-De-AyTM
	Avon Thinner Digital Precision Body Fat Scale
	Hanes Footless Tights
	A Zit Free Avon Life